


gardens

by xandrillia



Series: Amends [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:01:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xandrillia/pseuds/xandrillia
Summary: Catra pushes open the doors to the war room, the quiet hush of hinges the only sound. She slips through the entryway, leaving the door open behind her. On the other side of the table, she stands watch over the room, palms turned upward and wings spread proudly.Queen Angella.The only person she can't apologize to.The one person she can't bring back.Tipping her head back, Catra looks to the woman on the wall. Her mural is beautiful - as is everything in Bright Moon. It was another thing Catra had never considered - the pure, sure beauty of the castle. After the war, she’d expected only smoldering rubble and collapsed junk, but the ruins shone proudly through the smoke even then.She crosses her arms over her chest, her gaze unfocused. The ice creeps through her veins at the thought of the lives she has ruined. The life she has taken.Catra takes a shuddering breath.// Mermista finds Catra at Angella’s mural and offers her advice.
Series: Amends [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795453
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	gardens

She’d felt only heat in the moment when she pulled the lever. The kind of heat that takes over your stomach and pulses through your limbs and burns away your fears and buries your conscience - a heat Catra never wanted to feel again. The fire had taken away a vital part of who she was, and in the aftermath, the embers had served only to remind her of the burning pain of falling, falling, and then climbing, only to see _her_ again, only for that flame to overtake Catra, only for the words to burn on her tongue as she spat them at the girl who had always tempered her fire.

She had not been kind.

Later, she had forced herself to be empty. At the small smiles Adora offered her around the ship, something close to a spark of warmth had flickered in her chest, and each time Catra had frozen, backtracking as quickly as she could. The spark was kindled too close to the heat that had driven her for so many years, and the bright flare of it scared her.

So she buried it.

Deep, deep down. Far enough that she hadn’t reacted to Adora’s smiles or small touches or quiet jokes. The light teasing that Catra barely kept a straight face at. But that was what she was good at, wasn’t it? The mask of indifference. Hiding herself. Hiding her weakness, no matter what or who it was.

Better to feel nothing than to feel that heat.

Then, flickering orange and yellow encasing Adora and the heat was there for _Adora_ this time, not her, and she hadn’t hesitated.

Why didn’t she hesitate?

Catra pretended she didn’t know the answer: that if Adora were in danger, the fire was worth the risk. If Adora needed her at her side, Catra would risk the anger, the pain, and the loneliness she would feel in the wake of Adora’s rejection. She would risk herself.

_(Did you just jump into fire for me?)_

Now, the fire is replaced with ice. The hall around her is quiet in the dead of night, although the rest of the castle moves gently. In their room, Adora sleeps peacefully. The guards make their rounds. Somewhere, Entrapta would be working on a project. Catra knows she's friends with the enthusiastic scientist now and is welcome in her lab at any time, but for the moment, she only wants to talk to one person.

Catra pushes open the doors to the war room, the quiet hush of hinges the only sound. She slips through the entryway, leaving the door open behind her. On the other side of the table, _she_ stands watch over the room, palms turned upward and wings spread proudly.

Queen Angella.

The only person Catra can't apologize to.

The one person Catra can't bring back.

She moves quietly to the other side of the room, her steps silent. After years of sneaking around the Fright Zone with Adora, avoiding Shadow Weaver and the other cadets, her silence is as sure as the night.

Tipping her head back, Catra looks to the woman on the wall. Her mural is beautiful - as is everything in Bright Moon. It was another thing Catra had never considered - the pure, sure beauty of the castle. After the war, she’d expected only smoldering rubble and collapsed junk, but the ruins shone proudly through the smoke even then. After reparations, it was even more pronounced. The architecture was artfully done and each room had been decorated with care, love poured into every aspect of the castle. Built to serve the people, not the other way around, as Catra was used to in the Fright Zone.

She crosses her arms over her chest, her gaze unfocused. The ice creeps through her veins at the thought of the lives she has ruined. The life she has taken.

Catra takes a shuddering breath.

She doesn’t feel the need to speak aloud. The ice burns her wrists and tickles her fingertips, spreading from her heart. Most days, Adora, Glimmer, and Bow warm her enough to keep the ice from spreading, but now she is alone, and the cold seeps in.

//

“Catra?” Mermista stands halfway in the room, her attention caught by the open door. She casts a look to Sea Hawk, who shrugs when Catra doesn’t move or respond. Across the room, she stands with her eyes turned to the walk in front of her. After so long fighting her, Mermista is still surprised at how small she is, barely taller than Glimmer and shorter than Mermista herself. When she led an army, she’d been intimidating, but at least Mermista knew what to do. Now, she’s at a loss.

Another beat of silence, and the duo slips into the room. Their footsteps echo on the marble, the broken silence unnoticed by Catra. Mermista raises a hand, speaking Catra’s name again. She doesn’t react. Before Mermista reaches out to her, it clicks.

Queen Angella.

Everyone knew the consequences of the portal, and the life it took. Everyone, including Catra.

Since Catra had joined the rebellion, Mermista hadn’t thought of it from her point of view. What must it be like, she wonders, to be friends with a girl whose mother you’d killed? She shakes the morbid thought away. _She is making amends,_ she reminds herself, although her own burning kingdom flashes before her eyes in the moment before she places a hand on Catra’s shoulder.

Instantly, Catra’s gaze comes back into focus. Her eyes fall onto Mermista’s hand on her shoulder, then flick to Mermista and Sea Hawk, who offers her a small smile.

“Hey,” Mermista says. She frowns with concern at Catra’s expression. Only a few days have passed since Prime’s defeat, and Mermista hasn’t talked with Catra other than a quick _hello_ or a nod across the room. Adora had told her that Catra had been wanting to talk to her about Salineas, but Mermista didn’t imagine the other girl had planned the conversation for tonight.

Catra’s gaze flicks between the two again. “Hey,” she replies, passing a hand over her face and taking a step back. Mermista’s hand falls away.

“Are you…” Sea Hawk pauses. Mermista knows he hasn’t missed the distance in Catra’s eyes. “Okay?”

Catra huffs out a quiet laugh, something coming undone behind her eyes. “I’m alive, aren’t I?” She flinches at her words, sighing. “I’m sorry. I’m…” she trails off. For a moment, no one speaks. Catra’s gaze falls to the floor. She tries again, her voice small. “I don’t know how you can have me here,” she whispers.

“What do you mean?” Sea Hawk asks. “You’re our friend. We trust you.” He delivers the words without hesitation. Mermista knows they’re true to him, but she’s still learning to trust the girl in front of her, who hurt so many. Who tries so hard now to fix what she did. Mermista looks to Queen Angella’s mural, and Catra follows her gaze.

“I’m the reason she’s dead, and no one’s even said anything to me,” she begins, pulling her arms closer to herself. “I mean- I’ve talked to Sparkles, but to everyone else, it’s like I didn’t single-handedly kill the Queen Regent of Bright Moon. Like I didn’t almost destroy _everything_ just because…” she sighs, her voice quiet. A tear slips down her cheek. “I don’t even know why. I do, but…I don’t.” Catra’s voice trails off, the room falling silent again. Sea Hawk swipes at his own tears.

Mermista doesn’t know what to say. In the stories she favors, the lead detective is always ready with a clever line to trip up the suspects, or a witness offers a subtle bit of information that pulls the story together, pieces fitting together in a perfect puzzle. Each line carefully crafted to keep the story moving forward or to comfort those in need. But now… 

Honestly? Mermista doesn’t know this girl. She doesn’t know why she stayed with the Horde, although Adora did explain it a little to her. She doesn’t know what would have happened if Angella hadn’t died, or if someone else had pulled the switch. She doesn’t know how to help the girl in front of her, and Mermista realizes with a shock that she really _does_ want to help Catra, even for all the pain she’s put them through.

So she offers Catra the comfort she found when her kingdom was lost, her family gone and the alliance in shambles after betrayal.

“Have you ever seen the gardens at night?”

//

It’s a warm summer night outside the castle walls. Inside, the marble cools the drafts in the sun’s absence, chilling the inhabitants. In the gardens, the moons light the pathways with soft silver light, reflecting bright sparks in the shining streams. The Whispering Woods rustle outside the palace grounds, their leaves hushing the otherwise quiet night. At their backs, the palace stands tall. In front of them, Etheria slants gently away, stars keeping quiet watch over the lands.

Mermista tilts her head back to the sky. After Salineas fell, she spent more than a few nights out here, away from the bustle of the castle and the alliance. While she’d played detective, thinking she was winning at the Horde’s game, she’d only been a pawn on a much bigger battlefield. One that Catra used to command.

Now, stars hover over Etheria, bright and new. Mermista had expected them to be unfamiliar, but Etheria simply felt _right_ with their presence, as if the countless constellations had never ceased to spread across the sky, guiding long ago travellers across the planet.

“I missed the stars,” Catra whispers. She stands next to Mermista, eyes on the sky. “It’s like I knew they were meant to be there.” Mermista nods in agreement. Nearby, Sea Hawk follows a trail deeper into the gardens. They follow quietly, trailing their hands through the leaves. The warm breeze keeps the cool night at bay, a hint of warmth left over from the sun’s retreat.

Sea Hawk leads them to a clearing surrounded by daffodils. Catra drifts to the clearing’s edge, distracted, and Sea Hawk takes the moment to speak to Mermista. He presses a quick kiss to her forehead, knowing she wants to speak with Catra, and takes his leave. He pauses near Catra and says something that brings a smile to her face, and then he’s gone, shooting a last smile to Mermista. He knows the conflict Mermista felt at Catra’s arrival, and believes in her ability to trust and make new beginnings. She takes solace in his faith in her.

For a moment, the two are quiet. Then:

“What was she like?” Catra asks. She hugs her arms against herself again. “Queen Angella?”

Mermista grins lazily, remembering the queen. “Cool. She didn’t mind giving people a piece of her mind. She got shit done. And,” she looks to Catra. “She gave people second chances. Angella was the one who accepted Adora into the alliance.” Catra nods at this, as if it were familiar information.

“She asked about you, once,” Mermista continues. Catra turns, her attention completely focused on Mermista. At first, she'd found the way Catra puts her undivided attention onto a person somewhat disconcerting, but Mermista recognizes it as the other girl’s own form of showing care or support. Motivating words weren’t exactly encouraged in the Horde - she shows her support in different ways, the meaning still clear.

“Yeah,” Mermista continues. “After the battle of Bright Moon. I just overheard, but she asked Adora about you and Adora, like, completely shut down. I think Angella got a pretty clear overview of the two of you after that,” she scoffs, remembering the care and worry in the woman’s eyes. Care for the girl in front of her, worry for the one left behind.

Catra frowns, confused. Her hands are in her pockets now, less defensive and more relaxed. “Adora was pretty clear about me then?”

Mermista laughs aloud, the sound echoing across the gardens, startling the calm of the night. “No way,” she says. “She, like, _never_ talked about you except to say that you were more of a threat than we thought, or that we needed to stop you.” The corner of Catra’s mouth twitches, and Mermista continues. “We thought she was just reaaaallly mad at you and didn’t want to think about it. None of us realized she was in love.”

This time, Catra joins her in her laugh. “Well, she didn’t either.”

“You knew?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, releasing some of her tension with it. “Didn’t know it went both ways, though.”

Mermista grins. “Hm.”

Catra flicks her eyes to the other girl. “What’s ‘hm’ mean, princess?” She teases, growing more comfortable.

“It’s just cool.” Mermista shakes her head. Sometime in the past few minutes, her trust in this girl had solidified. She was just a regular person - someone with a hard past and a lot of bad memories behind her, but a person nonetheless. She made mistakes - some of them which almost ended the world, but she was here to help, and Mermista is okay with that.

As if she can sense Mermista’s thoughts, Catra changes the subject. “Hey,” she starts, the smile sliding off her face. “I’m sorry about everything I did to you, but especially taking your kingdom.” She passes a hand over her face and seemed to age ten years in the act of it, all tired eyes and weary motions. “It was my idea, to take the seas.”

Mermista nudges the other girl with her shoulder and gives an exasperated sigh. “Ughhhhhhhh,” she rolls her eyes, smiling. “I forgive you. Because you’re cool and real and helping us out.” She smiles again at the shock on Catra’s face. 

“I- really?” Catra turns to her, seriousness and confusion only partially masked on her face.

“What?” Mermista asks. “I need someone to bounce my sarcasm off of.”

“But…” she frowns.

“C’mon.” Mermista holds out a hand, and the other girl takes it. “I think your past is important, in a way, but it doesn’t define you. Just because you were Horde and all doesn’t mean you’re not going to be a good person now,” she hesitates, looking across the gardens. The moons cast their shadows twice, edges blurred by the whispering grass. “As long as you’re trying now, that’s important. As long as you’re trying to make amends.”

Catra smiles then, a real smile that Mermista hasn’t seen before. In it, Mermista sees trust, appreciation, and gratitude. For who she is. For who she can become.

“Now c’mon,” Mermista groans. “It’s getting cold.”

Together, they walk back to the castle, and when Catra falls into bed and Adora’s arm wraps protectively around her waist, she feels no ice, only gentle warmth.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is part of (hopefully) a bigger collection called amends, wherein it's basically ppl just getting used to Catra being around and on their side. i just really like writing fluff and the novel i'm writing is NOT abt fluff atm sooo i'm just. letting it out here. anyway lmk if you like it because i WILL cry if someone leaves a nice comment. also you should probably go to sleep. (also, here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/xandrillia))


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